I saw a post on Threads by someone who identifies as a Dominant, and it offered suggestions on how to increase a submissive’s pain tolerance. Honestly, it frustrated me. Not because pain tolerance itself is a bad thing, but because of what it implies – that enduring more pain somehow makes someone a “better” submissive. I’ve talked with so many submissives who already struggle with feeling “not enough” because they don’t enjoy pain, or worry they’ll never find a Dominant who wants them if they don’t crave intense play. Seeing a Dominant promote building pain tolerance only reinforces those fears. It sends the message that there’s a standard submissives are supposed to live up to, instead of recognizing that kink is, and should always be, customizable.
Pain Tolerance Doesn’t Equal Submission
Pain tolerance is a physical capacity, not a measure of connection, surrender, or service. Some submissives genuinely enjoy pushing their limits and exploring pain. Others connect through sensual play, acts of service, protocol, or emotional vulnerability. All of those expressions are valid. The beauty of kink is that it can look completely different from one dynamic to another. There’s no universal checklist, and there’s certainly no hierarchy that ranks submissives by how much they can take.
The Problem with “Training for Pain”
Encouraging submissives to “build” pain tolerance can create unnecessary pressure to perform instead of explore. It can turn play into a test – something to achieve – rather than an experience to enjoy. It also risks making pain the focal point of submission, which erases the emotional, mental, and relational layers that make power exchange meaningful.
Every body and nervous system reacts differently. Some people process pain as pleasure; others experience it as distress. Neither is wrong. And when a Dominant ignores those individual differences, it can lead to pushing boundaries in ways that feel more about proving something than connecting.
A Better Focus: Building Communication and Trust
If we want to talk about growth in D/s relationships, it should be about communication, awareness, and mutual trust, not endurance. The strength of a submissive doesn’t come from how much they can withstand, but from how well they understand themselves, communicate their needs, and allow themselves to be vulnerable in a safe, consensual space.
Dominants who truly want to help their partners grow will focus on creating environments where honest feedback is welcomed and limits are respected. Growth can mean learning to ask for reassurance, developing confidence in expressing boundaries, or exploring new sensations at a comfortable pace.
Redefining What Makes Submission Beautiful
Submission isn’t defined by pain. it’s defined by intention. It’s about presence, trust, and authenticity. Kink is personal and fluid; what’s fulfilling for one person may not be for another, and that’s the point.
If pain is part of your play, that’s perfectly valid. If it isn’t, that’s perfectly valid too. You don’t need to toughen up, take more, or “build tolerance” to be worthy of connection. The only thing worth building is a dynamic that feels right for you.