I’ve been thinking about how many of us spend years fantasizing about kink before we ever actually do any of it. By the time we walk into our first dungeon or have our first scene, we may already have a pretty good picture in our head of what kind of kinky person we’re going to be. We don’t necessarily think, “I wonder if I’ll like this.” We think, “I finally get to do this thing I already know I want.” I definitely did that.
I Was Sure I Was Submissive
When I first came into the lifestyle, I was convinced I was submissive. I loved the idea of a dominant man taking control, making decisions, and taking care of me. I still love that dynamic in books. Give me the submissive woman and dominant man and I am perfectly happy to read about the two of them for hundreds of pages. There was just one fairly significant problem with living that fantasy myself: I really don’t like being told what to do. In hindsight, this probably should have been a clue.
Once I actually started exploring kink, it became pretty obvious that I was much more naturally dominant. Being in control felt right. Making decisions felt right. The fantasy of handing all of that over to somebody else was much more appealing than the reality of an actual person telling me what I was going to do. Eventually I understood that there was nothing contradictory about any of this. I can still love the submissive woman/dominant man fantasy without needing to recreate it in my own life. Some things can be wonderful places to visit in my imagination without me wanting to move in.
Then There Was Electro
Electro was another surprise for me. Dara loved electro, and I knew plenty of other people who loved it, so naturally I wanted to try it. I assumed I would understand what everybody was so excited about once I experienced it myself. Instead, I tried it and…nope. It didn’t really do anything for me. Nothing terrible happened. I just didn’t particularly like it, which was somehow almost more disappointing. I wanted to understand what Dara and everyone else loved about it, and instead I came away thinking, “Well, I guess that’s not my thing.”
What makes that especially funny is that I would never expect someone else to force themselves to like something just because other people do. I demo top for needles, and I’ve had people come to me after wanting to try needles for a long time. They’ve watched other people, thought about it, worked up the courage, and finally decided they’re ready. Then I put in one needle, maybe two, and they’re done.
Sometimes they immediately start acting like they failed. They apologize because they couldn’t take more, or they’re disappointed because they were sure they were going to love it. My response is always that they didn’t fail at anything. They wanted to know what needles felt like, they were brave enough to try them, and now they know. Making yourself sit there for ten needles when you already know after the first two that you hate it doesn’t somehow turn it into a successful experience. Apparently I needed to apply that same logic to myself and electro.
When Something You Wanted Becomes a Limit
There’s also a difference between trying something you were mildly curious about and discovering that something you really wanted has suddenly become a limit. “Eh, not for me” is pretty easy to accept. “But I really wanted this” can be a lot harder. You may have fantasized about something for years, already thought of it as one of your kinks, or pictured yourself being the person who could take that kind of pain, enjoy that humiliation, or give up that much control. Then you finally get the chance to experience it and discover that the person in the fantasy and the person actually standing there in the scene don’t want the same thing.
That can be disappointing, and I don’t think we need to pretend otherwise. You can be glad you learned something about yourself and still wish you had gotten a different answer. I would have liked to enjoy electro. Someone who finally works up the nerve to try needles may really wish they loved them. Neither of us can make ourselves like something simply because we wanted to like it.
I’d Do Anything for You
The “I would do anything for my partner” fantasy is another place where I think reality needs to win. It sounds great, particularly in power exchange. You love this person, you trust them, and you want to please them, so in the fantasy there are no limits because you would do absolutely anything for them. Real people, of course, have limits.
Lying about those limits because you want to please someone doesn’t make you a better partner. It means your partner is making decisions based on information that isn’t true. If something is a hard no for you, they need to know. If you thought something was a yes and discovered halfway through a scene that it isn’t, they need to know that too. NCSF’s Best Practices for Consent to Kink is also a useful resource for thinking about boundaries, negotiation, and changing your mind during a scene. You are allowed to find out that you were wrong about what you wanted.
Sometimes the Fantasy Is Enough
That may actually be one of the biggest things I’ve learned from kink. Exploring isn’t only about discovering all the wonderful new things you can add to your yes list. Sometimes it’s discovering a no you never expected. Sometimes it’s realizing that something you were absolutely positive you wanted is much better as a fantasy. Figuring out those yeses, noes, maybes and conditions is also a big part of why I wrote Your Kink User’s Manual. None of us arrives in kink already knowing everything that should be written in our own manual.
I’m very happy for my submissive fantasies to stay in my books and in my head. I can enjoy the hell out of them there and still be perfectly happy that nobody is actually trying to tell me what to do. Electro can belong to Dara and everybody else who loves it. And the person who sits down with me for needles, gets through one, and says, “Nope, that’s enough,” still succeeded. They were curious, they tried it, they listened to themselves, and now they know something they didn’t know before.
Sometimes kink exploration gives you, “Oh my God, where has this been all my life?” Other times it gives you, “Well, I really thought I was going to like that.” Both are worth knowing.