There’s a phrase I hear all the time in the kink community: “I’ve been in the scene for X years.” It’s often said as a way to establish credibility, but here’s the hard truth—years in kink don’t automatically mean someone is experienced or knowledgeable.

What truly matters is what you’ve done during those years. Have you actively engaged, learned, and grown? Or have you just been in the background, watching but never evolving? Someone can spend a decade in the scene but never develop their skills beyond a basic level, while another person can immerse themselves for just a few years and build a deep, well-rounded knowledge base.

My Own Journey: Learning Through Action

I entered the scene nearly a decade ago, and in my second year of kink, I was lucky enough to become friends with a dungeon monitor for Baltimore Playhouse. This friendship opened the door to an incredible learning experience. For over six months, I went with him to the dungeon every Friday and Saturday. Every weekend, I had the opportunity to not just watch but actively participate in the community.

Each night, I was doing at least three scenes, which adds up fast. It wasn’t just about playing—I was gaining hands-on experience, learning how different people react to different sensations, and improving my technique with every session.

Then came the transition from bottoming to Topping—a shift that I was both excited and nervous about. I was incredibly fortunate to have a lot of volunteers willing to bottom for me as I honed my skills. When I first started Topping for needle play, I found myself at a party where I had an overwhelming number of requests to Top.

I made sure to be completely transparent about my inexperience, letting everyone know that I was still learning. But my friends trusted me, understood the risks, and gave their enthusiastic consent to be part of my growth. That night, I did seven needle scenes. Seven. In just a few hours, I had more than quadrupled my hands-on experience.

The sheer volume of scenes forced me to refine my technique quickly. Each person had different needs, pain tolerances, and reactions, which meant I had to stay hyper-focused and adaptable. That experience was invaluable—not just in building my skill set, but in reinforcing the responsibility that comes with being a Top.

Limited Experience: Just Because You Know One Thing Doesn’t Mean You Know Everything

One of the biggest misconceptions in kink is assuming that if someone has been in the lifestyle for years, they must know everything. That’s simply not true.

For example, someone might have 10 years of experience in impact play but have zero knowledge about electro, wax play, or needle play. Their decade of experience doesn’t automatically make them qualified to teach or guide others in areas they’ve never explored.

Kink is vast, and no one knows everything. A good educator or mentor understands their limits and is willing to acknowledge what they don’t know. When someone claims they have years of experience, the real question is what that experience actually looks like. Have they explored a variety of play styles, or have they only focused on one? Have they actively practiced and refined their skills over time, or are they just repeating the same techniques without growth? Did they learn from others, attend classes, and seek mentorship, or was their knowledge self-taught through trial and error? Most importantly, have they ever made mistakes, and if so, how did they handle them? The best kinksters and educators don’t assume they know it all—they continue to learn, adapt, and grow, no matter how many years they’ve been in the scene.

The Experience Flex vs. The Time Flex

When someone says, “I’ve been in the scene for 15 years,” my first thought isn’t Oh, they must be really knowledgeable. My first thought is, Okay, but what have they done with those 15 years?

A person who has spent three years actively learning, attending workshops, practicing with different partners, and continuously improving their skills may have more actual experience than someone who has been around for a decade but has only played the same way with the same person.

Longevity alone doesn’t mean competence. Someone who has spent years only doing rope bondage isn’t automatically an expert in D/s dynamics. Someone who has been a submissive in one long-term relationship doesn’t necessarily understand the full range of power exchange dynamics.

How to Tell If Someone’s “Years in Kink” Actually Mean Something

If someone is using their years in kink as a way to establish credibility, it’s worth digging a little deeper. Experience isn’t just about time—it’s about what they’ve actually done with that time. Have they developed expertise in specific types of play, or do they speak in vague generalities? Did they learn from experienced educators, attend workshops, and seek mentorship, or are they entirely self-taught? Being self-taught is absolutely valid, but transparency is key. If someone has built their skills through personal experimentation rather than formal instruction, they should be upfront about that and able to explain how they ensured safety and growth along the way. If they claim to teach others, what qualifies them to do so? How have they handled mistakes, and what lessons have those experiences taught them? Most importantly, do they continue to grow, staying up-to-date with evolving community standards and education? Someone who can answer these kinds of questions thoughtfully has likely built real experience, while someone who gets defensive or vague might just be relying on the passage of time as their only credential.

My Takeaway

The best way to measure experience in kink isn’t by counting years—it’s by looking at effort, education, and engagement. The time you’ve been in the scene is just a number. What matters is what you’ve done with that time.

So if you’re new to kink, don’t be intimidated by people who claim they’ve been in the scene forever. Instead, pay attention to the ones who are always learning, always growing, and always striving to be better. Those are the people worth listening to.